What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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