If i come over, it means nothing
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
