Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
