There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
