K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
