seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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