sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
