found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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