Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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