is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
