imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
