and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
