Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
