need another drink. this is the easiest way
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
