i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
