the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
