I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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