I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
