I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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