How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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