Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
