so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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