i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
