if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
