just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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