I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
