An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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