im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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