dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
