I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
