i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
