If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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