Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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