he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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