you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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