yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
