I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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