the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
