I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
