Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
