i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You may now shotgun with the bride
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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