i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
