I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
