I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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