Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
do herpes really smell.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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