All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
