Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
