FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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