I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
