There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
