just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
