Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
